barefeet and broken glass

end of it all...

2004-10-27T03:53:39Z

there's no need for this anymore.

this will not be read.
this will be noticed.
this is the end and no one will care.

goodb-bye fuckers!

--------------------------------------(end transmission)--------------------------

i fail at life...

2004-10-22T23:09:22Z

no job..., suprise.

saw dave last weekend. that was cool.
anita found him and we partied.
it was awsome 'till the sun came up.

i missed sleepytime last night.
shitty-shit.
i took anita home and went to get money from my mom, and i guess sarah stopped by to pick me up while i was gone so i missed my ride.
i guess i shouldn't watch cartoons while waiting anymore, it's a great way to lose track of time.
hence...
late for school.
late to see friends.
missed sleepytime.
never go anywhere.
that's how awesome cartoons r, they steal time and lives.

devilsss.

nothing now.
stay tuned for more.

my house is no longer like a car.

2004-10-15T18:25:00Z

i have cold. ::sniff::
::cough::

cough is spelled wierd...., so is wierd.
i need a bed that doesn't rip me a new asshole.

i need a job and to not be sick.
journals r gay now.

stay tuned cause someone has to...

i love my anita pants

2004-10-14T01:18:02Z

	Love-a-Lot Bear You love to take care of others and people love being around you because you make them feel appreciated. You are very sweet and soft-spoken. You are also a romantic and consider yourself an excellent matchmaker, so you tend to be a bit nosy. But everyone still considers you the sweetest person they know.
*Take the Which Care Bear Are You?* Quiz!**

this sick cell phone, it's time to come back...

2004-10-01T05:31:18Z

Your LJ Halloween Party by Karen_Walker
Username
You're Dressed As	a Kitty Cat
The Rock Star	sinking_myself
The Naughty Nurse	cherry_kiss17
The School Girl	misfitrose
The Witch	vanmuddlestein
The Care Bear	my_unwhole_self
The French Maid	girlonthebridge
The Dominatrix	puppieluv77
The Clown	my_unwhole_self
The Cowboy	misfitrose
The Porn Star	vanmuddlestein

Quiz created with MemeGen!

idk anymore, but i want this to go on.
i'm not done anymore.
but it's time to stop this and keep moving.

it's destiny...

stay tuned, we're tunin' out...

Alice...

2004-09-26T05:57:19Z

the cheshire cat says:

"Only the insane equate pain with success."

i wish i had more quotes from him.

alice is an awesome game.

i need a computer.

and i still need a job.

stay tuned, ...maybe something will happen..., like cookies.

2stoned2tell @ 2004-09-23T05:03:00

2004-09-23T09:06:38Z

My lj wedding by chynafox
username
age
city
you will marry	misfitrose
flower girl	sinking_myself
best man	girlonthebridge
bridesmaid	my_unwhole_self
you will have your last fling with	vanmuddlestein
registrar	cherry_kiss17
secretly wants to marry you themself	puppieluv77
date of the wedding	February 1, 2025
number of times you do it on your wedding night	6

Quiz created with MemeGen!

lazy town...

2004-09-20T22:18:21Z

well, anita had a nifty thing for Lj with fonts and colors and such but it's not working.
oh well.

i guess kristin and zach r mad at me.
i'm gonna try and see them today or tomorrow.

anita didn't go to school today.
i know because i went to visit her and she wasn't there but i ran into skip and his wife 'cause she works at alee.

anyway, anita's in trouble.
with her dad and with me.

she thinks she's getting a job at haystax.
but they haven't called yet.
i need to find a job, 'cause i apparently didn't get the job at win-dixie.
bastards...

i haven't talked to sarah in forever either.

or dave...
or eddie...

goddamn.

i really need to start doing something.
i'm completely losing touch with the world.

anyway,
i'm off.

stay tuned, 'cause somebody wants to know...

blood...

2004-09-17T03:42:41Z

zach!

did i get the job?

i ran out of gas at my dads house and he doesn't have the phone or aol anymore.

i'll try and call u from a payphone tomorrow.

i hope u get this.

i'm at anitas.

maybe u'll sign on line.

stay tuned, the suspense is building...

that was a dream u had...

2004-09-15T14:24:25Z

i jes' had the most fucked sleeping experience i've ever had in my life.
and the wierdest dreams too.

i dreamt that i had moved out of my house, only it was never a house i've lived in.
but i didn't wanna leave so i stayed there while new people moved in, and i hid in my room.
i took down my posters and put stuff like tupperwear on my walls and they were pissed 'cause they couldn't get the writing and the stuff i glued on there off my walls.
their son was like my. atleast tha's what everyone said in my dream. looking back i don't think he was like me.
then he turned out to be gay though.
and there was this girl there and him and her were like best friends and then i became best friends with them, but then i got in a fight with the girl one day, only it wasn't me anymore. i was watching from an outside perspective now.
and the gay guy was freaking out, "stop fighting!", and crying.
and i think he killed himself.
and then the city was destroyed.
or something...
and i was trying to get water, but it was being used by the city workers and i had to fight with them to get it.
they had the oil and the water connected to this big pump or something and was spraying it..., somewhere, i forget.
and they were like, "u can't use the water. we're using it. we work for the city."
and i was like, "i don't want u'r water. i want my water. from under the ground."
and they were like, "fine!"
so they were trying to unhook the pump and i was pulling on the hose and accidently knocked over a building, but no one knew it was me and the city workers got blamed for it.
aaaaaaaand..........

after that i don't remember much.
i think kristing was there....
or i think everyone was there....
and we were all hanging out.
anyway, cory bowman was in my dream and he was pissing me off so i punched him in the face.

then i woke up.
'cause i had punched the wall in my sleep.

it was wierd.
i don't think i should be around him anymore.

oh yeah!

the other part was the city, before it was destroyed, was like one street and it was arabian. and all the shops had like different themes and me and anita and some other couple, i think it was zach and caity, found this japanese-arabian steak/yogurt house.
well, we couldn't sit in the japanese part where they serve steak 'cause they give this big thing of sake and u'r pissy drunk by the time u leave and no glass is allowed in the room 'cause drunk people break things.
anyway, we found a table in the yogurt shop that was oddly very american.
and the waitress was rude.
only she wasn't the waitress at 1st.
she was jes' sitting there having lunch with her boyfriend when we all sit down with her and try to be friendly.
but she didn't like us and zach kept trying to be funny but she jes' got more pissed.
so her and her boyfriend get up and leave.
and she comes back to take our orders and then she starts asking anita wierd questions and ends up making her tell a bunch of personal stuff about me. and the girl writes it all down.
then kristin shows up and the girl gives the pad that she wrote on to kristin. then kristin jes' shakes her head while she's reading like she doesn't like me anymore.
then the girl starts laughing.
so i grab a plastic spork and crawl over to her.
for some reason i can't stand up and my legs r bent and won't unbend.
but i stare into the girls eyes and they start changing shape and colors like one big blue dot to a bunch little orange dots and stuff.
and i make her start crying 'cause she upset all of my friends.

and i think tha's all i remember....

yeah...
for now atleast.
it was a wierd dream.

anyway,
stay tuned for "my anus is bleeding"

perfection is when everything stops...

2004-09-15T08:35:40Z

can't sleep.
felt like writing.
again...

so kristin smoked weed for the 1st time. tha's kinda cool. everyone says she should do drugs or something to mellow out, maybe it'll actually work.
she freaked out on me though.
she said she had a hard day and i was kinda disappointed that she smoked weed, 'cause i mean..., c'mon. it's kristin!
oh well. nothing ever stays the same anyway.
but it's cool. maybe she could use a new perspective.
she got pissed that i wasn't exactly happy for her and freaked out. and what she said kinda pissed me off, so i stop talking to her for a while.
i guess she was looking for me and called or something. atleast tha's what everyone says.
then she said she had a bad day and tha's what sent her over the edge.
i'm not sure y she feels comfortable talking to me about stuff. i thought she talked to norm.
but it's cool. a lot of people seem to talk to me about there stuff, so i guess i help.
it's jes' wierd 'cause i thought i was the "creepy" guy.
i guess i'm the "creepy therapist" guy.

...i should charge money. lol.

so lately i have been trying to keep up with everyone and life and for once i believe i'm doing so succesfully.
not necassarilly gracefully, but succesfully none-the-less.

i've been staying with zach and he's helping me get a job.
i go to apply at winn-dixie tomorrow.

everybody meets to go bowling on tuesdays now.
zach's been hanging out with norm and thus' for the 1st time i've really hung out with norm.
norm's cool.
i like norm.

i don't like cory though.
not the girl cory though, she's probably said 2 words to me my entire life.
but cory bowman, i'm not a fan.
he's still jes' as annoying and gay as ever.
i don't care if he knows swell.
swell's awsome, but not awsome enough for me to like cory.
i think when he gets older he gonna be an angry bald chinese-looking man that shits himself and plays with himself while everyones watching.
he hasn't really matured much since our food fights in the lunch room. don't get me wrong, i like a fart joke as much as the next guy, but sometimes he jes' says the wrong things at the wrong times.
and he still creeps me out when he looks at me 'that way'.

"things that make u go...buh!"

on a lighter note:
my mom is actually helping and supporting me.
she's actually being like a mother should be.
i'll still know that deep down she's 2-faced, but atleast for now it's the good face she's showing.

my dad on the other hand is as drunk and paranoid as ever.
the house is a wreck and falling completely apart. and even more so since the 3 hurricanes in a row.
the basement is flooded. zach and i should probably move our equipment out of there soon and i should probably gather the rest of my things into my car.

i've been staying with zach pretty much, kinda on and off, for a while. he and his mom offered to let me stay, but idk about moving in. i'm afraid i'd get in the way or something. i have wierd hours, for instance now. it's 4 in the morning. i do this every night. i don't have normal sleep habits.

...i don't have normal habits.

i could probably adjust but idk..., i'm still kinda sketchy about it.
my mom offered to let me stay with her too.
maybe i can fluctuate between zachs and my moms so that they don't get sick of me and i don't piss anyone off.
atleast 'till i figure something out.

i'm slowly trying to introduce anita to my crowd of people. i think she might feel awkward around them. she's used to the city life and drugs all the time.
...well, ....so am i, the drugs, not the city.
but i've calmed down a lot.
but things r going well between me and her. atleast i think so. she's so full of life and shows me things from a different perspective.
and her clumsiness is intertaining. lol.

she's getting a job soon too.
hmmm...
this is may present a problem.
a schedule problem.
with my job and her job it could be hard for us to see each other.
...oh well, we'll find a way.

i've been writing more songs rescently.
zach really wants me to start working on my solo album.
i'm not sure y he's so eager for me to work on it, i'm not entirely sure of what i'm doing yet.

anita and i still haven't found a kitten, so if anyone knows of where we can get a kitten from, jes' let me know. thanx.

halloween is coming up and i have a feeling i may miss out on it again this year. idk y. but i haven't gone in years for some reason or another, so i have a feeling this year may jes' be the same.

anita says that no one can figure her out.
but tha's ok, 'cause tha's my job. not anyone else's.
which reminds me, i should probe her mind some more soon, i have not done so in a while.
i like making her think. it's like a game. i know she's got the right answers but i wanna see if she can ask the right questions 1st.

overall, i think it's safe to say that despite everything, everything is as it should be.
it's ok right now.
not great.
not bad.
not perfect.
but as it should be.

stay tune for dinosaurs...

adult swim and happy pills, maybe it's wearing off...

2004-09-13T07:33:37Z

it's late. ...early

felt like writing.

been with my anita pants for the past few days. <3
but i think i got her in trouble for keeping her out too late.
i can't help it really.
i don't like being away from her.

this is cheesy...

but i'm emo.

we've been going ghost hunting and dumpster diving in daves old house.
he had a really nice house but it couldn't have stayed that way, and it didn't. not with his 36 cats.

have yet to see ghosts.

i need to start working at winn-dixie.
and move in with zach.
'cause even though i've only been here a couple days, i still can't stay in this house.

hmmm...

i'm not liking this entry so far.
it's wierd.
but i'm gonna post it anyway 'cause i feel like making an entry.

i think... i forgot... what's going on.

it's time for a nap.

stay tuned for a bath (or life as we know it)...

self songs...

2004-09-08T05:45:44Z

now, now, anyway u want me
now, now, anyway u want
now, now, anyway u want
now u know, as long as u want me, now

----------------------------------------------------------

maybe we
should go on a vacation
only to a place u've seen in u'r imagination
a place where time
stands as still as the earth
racing
beneath the stars

hello sunshine, we're waking up
people gather 'round
for the summer sound
farewell moonlight, we've had enough
watch u'r sorrows drown
in the summer sound

u've got a mind
aliens could learn with
u can always talk to me
in any langauge
utter a sound
and i'll be around
above and
beyond this life

----------------------------------------------------------

'cause i'm alone right now
with u somehow
i'm alone right now
with u somehow

----------------------------------------------------------

how're u alive, when u'r so dead?
how're u alive, when u'r so deadly?
how're u alive, when u'r so dead?
how're u alive, when u'r so deadly?

sometimes i wish it were christmas...

2004-09-08T04:34:53Z

gimme that Z-O-L-OFT
gimme that trick
make me love me...

i'm back.
and in perspective.
georgia...
with my mom, ronnie, my grandma, uncle james and his dog shelby...

spent most of the time watching cartoons and getting used to my medication again.
it was good to get away. but the whole time i was gone i was wishing i could be back here.
i was worried about the people i love.

i got to meet ronnies family.
it was like 20 lydias everywhere. i pretty much played halo the whole time.

james's dog stalked me the whole time 'cause i was the only one that would give attention. she looks like a bat that got caught in a cotton-candy machine.

i actually slept.
slept well.

i guess as shitty as georgie is, it's still a really comfortable surrouonding.
nothings changed there, not even since my mom was a kid.
it's like pleasantville.

i got new clothes so i could work at win-dixie with zach, unfortunately i haven't been able to get a hold of him yet today. maybe he'll sign on-line.

on the way back into town is when i started getting the most worried. through ocala, everything is trashed. tress tangled in power lines, people sitting outside 'cause they don't have power or there house is trashed.

damn frances.
and another ones on the way.
florida sucks.

so far everyone i've talked to is ok.
i'm glad.
the last thing i need is for one of my bad thoughts to come true.

speaking of, i've been able to suppress my bad thoughts thanks to my medication.

while in georgia i saw something on the news about a kid that killed his family and blamed it on zoloft, so now they're trying to take it off the market.
but if anything, my medication saved my life.
my mind was beyond not right, i could hardly stand to breathe and every thought i had made me sick and depressed. i don't know what i'd've done if i hadn't started back on my meds again. i probably wouldn't be here.

anyway...
i don't want to go there again.
i'll keep eating these pills, atleast for a while, then we'll see.

but for now it's good.
i'm good.
i'm better.
and i'm back.
and once again, i love everyone.

stay tuned for something wet...

take my brain....., please!

2004-09-01T09:45:48Z

ok...

sorry zach.
i couldn't stay at u'r house.
i'll be back though.
after i fix my head and get a job.
i don't think i should've taken my medication.

on the way over here i was sweating
but i was freezing cold
to stop myself from thinking i kept repeating positive phrases.
mostly, "you can make the bad thoughts go away"

it seemed to help.
i seriously don't think this is normal anymore.
and i seriously hate watching the sun come up.
and i can't sleep.
i can't be alone.
i wish i could be comfortable, but tha's not gonna happen.
not with my mind.

let's talk about the heat.
that HEAT.
that sick feverish heat that u feel when u'r not well or u know something bads about to happen.
i think it's the breath of death. everyone thinks that deaths breath would be cold but i think it would be that humid groggy heat that hits everyone from time to time.
because it engulfes u. and then all u can feel is u'r chest tighten 'cause it's such a hot heat and the sweat drip from every part of u'r body and the coldness inside, u know. that frosty chill that everyone would debate to be the breath of death. the one that's always there. waiting. 'cause death is always with us.

...
i should stop.

...and that phrase.
"i want it to stop" "please make it stop" "blah blah blah stop"
that phrase makes me sick.

i wish there weren't a beggining or end to anything.

i wouldn't be having these thoughts.

this is so fucked up. idk y i am all of a sudden like this. i have no reason to be. i should be happy. and safe. and ok. and happy-go-lucky. and spiffy.
i should be fuckin' SPIFFY!!!
but i'm not.
...i get the bad thoughts.
my chest gets tight. i get hot. i sweat, but not from heat, from fear or tension. my heart races and my blood tingles, like that phrase "pins and needles".
i start to fuck with my teeth.
...i should see a dentist.

sometimes i think about my heart stopping.
or maybe i could forget to breath.

...idk.

but right now this jes' isn't right.
so i'm going away for a while.
to straighten things out.
my mind.
my life.
everything.

hope to see u soon,
love chris.

end transmission.

i hate waking up to someone else's nightmare. i especially hate waking up in someone else's bathroom

2004-08-31T08:50:18Z

zach's computer is so slow...

anyway, guess where i am.
not at home, tha's for damn sure.

i had to get away.
it's too depressing.
the dark atmosphere. the smokey rooms. the dead quiet. the smell of feet and vomit. the leaky pippes. the drunken dad.

i can't stay there anymore.
and i can't doing nothing all day anymore.
i need a job.

i've been staying with my mom this weekend.
sorry landon, i didn't mean to ditch u, i jes' had to get away from that house or i'd've killed myself.
seriously.

i got my hair cut.
short enough to get a job, long enough to look like a tool.

i definitely feel more comfortable now.
away from the house.

i'm at zach's now.
him and caity r playing halo.
i think they hide crack in that game.

anita's been playing black'n'white.
i wanted to play that game so bad when it 1st came out.
but i never did.
it's as cool as i thought it was.

we saw an accident on the way back to my moms after i got my hair cut. this SUV was t-boned by a guy on a motorcycle. the SUV driver was drunk. the guy on the motorcycle died..., and he was on his way to visit his family.
it's sad.
depressing.
kinda distrurbing.
this is the kinda stuff i'm talking about when i refer to my bad thoughts.
random negative events, with permanent outcomes.
and unprovoked.
i could be sitting on the couch but for some reason be afraid that someone i know could be getting in a car accident somewhere.
...or something.

i might start back on my medication.
idk, it's a possibility.

idk about my hair.
but anita does. she loves it.
'cause i look so much younger.
lol, pedophile.

anyway....

"i'm dumb she's a lesbian
i thought i had found the one
we were good as married in my mind
but married in my minds no good

pink triangle on her sleave
let me know the truth
let me know the truth"

stay tuned for another day...

when there's something good, it has to stop....

2004-08-30T05:28:35Z

saw marc(with a "C") last night.
and bucket of nails..., lol

good show.
disputes.
good times.
dirrty.

i hate watching the sun come up. it makes me sick, makes me feel like i've done something wrong.

these bad thoughts won't stop.
mybe pause, but not for very long.

my friends r the only thing i have left.
i would say music, but i can't even listen to the same music anymore.

i'm afraid of everything now.
i understand time now.
a dreaded disease.
a beginning and end.

i've slept better last night than any other night in a while. because i was comfortable. with my friends. with her.
i only sleep for 2 hours at a time.

i hate this house.
it's depressing and dead.
it's sucks u in and makes u sick.
u jes' want to sleep until u'r dead.

of course i wake up feeling like a broken doll.
i pull myself together and greet the day.
nothing to do today.
another lazy sunday.
but it's ok.
i'm comfortable.
still
from the previous nights events.

...it has to stop.

my dad gets home.
drunk, of course.
raving about this awsome gig he played today.
it doesn't last long.
he jumps into how everyone he talks to says he should tell me to go "jump in a lake"
the best thing for him is to lose me.

...of course it's true. and he says he wouldn't even consider something like that.
but i know the truth.
if he didn't consider it, then he wouldn't have said it, to me.
but he wanted to tell me to my face
like a warning

nobody wants me to do the things i could do.
everyone knows me as the little buddy, a friend, or a lonely dopehead.
if i try to change this
it will upset the balance
it doesn't matter if it makes things better
it still upsets the balance
and it'll be my fault.

talking with friends...
my mind shuts up for brief moment.

with dave, we escape reality because it's not fun anyway.
with zach, we laugh at the world because it's so wrong.
with sarah and landon, we analyze the world and point out the funny little parts about it that no one tends to notice.
with kristin, we pretend theres still innocence left in the world and in people.
with anita, we share our worlds.

i love my friends.

talking with kristin
as pessimistic as she is, she tries to cheer me up.
i talk to her because she was the 1st person i could find to confide in since i couldn't stand my mind any more.
but i guess she was the best person for the job at the time.

Rockstarloser7: i'm ok..why are you upset?
IsDeceased: i'm going to fail at life
Rockstarloser7: what makes you say that
IsDeceased: 'cause it's true
IsDeceased: i see it coming a mile away
Rockstarloser7: who judges whether you failed or accomplished in life...only you can and as long as you lived to your fullest then you should be happy with that
IsDeceased: 'cept i could never fullfill my potential
IsDeceased: i see everything for what it is
IsDeceased: people
IsDeceased: events
IsDeceased: the world
IsDeceased: i could make the world better
IsDeceased: but i'd be hated for it
IsDeceased: i could destroy the world
IsDeceased: but i'd be alone
IsDeceased: i can't win
Rockstarloser7: why would you be hated for making the world better
IsDeceased: because tha's the way it is
IsDeceased: nobody wants things to be they way they could be
IsDeceased: or the way they r
IsDeceased: they ignore what's really going on
IsDeceased: the truth behind everything is ugly and holds a dark secret
IsDeceased: when there's something good
IsDeceased: it has to stop
IsDeceased: when it's bad
IsDeceased: it can only get worse
IsDeceased: this i know as a fan of intropy
IsDeceased: all systems in nature r breaking down
IsDeceased: we r breaking down
IsDeceased: i am breaking down
Rockstarloser7: well then if what your saying is true everyone is failint at life
Rockstarloser7: *failing
IsDeceased: but atleast they survive long enough to taste it
Rockstarloser7: you have a long life ahead of you...you just need to find direction and then you can "taste" life too
IsDeceased: i am life, i don't have to taste it, i know too much of life
IsDeceased: i've never been afraid to die
IsDeceased: now i'm afraid of everything
Rockstarloser7: you think you know to much of life but really your just lost as the rest of us...you know only of one aspect of life and not having fear for the other part doesn't disclude you from not understanding it
IsDeceased: i understand all aspects of life
IsDeceased: these r the things that cross my mind every second of every day
IsDeceased: the guy in the car next to u when u'r on u'r way to work
IsDeceased: who is he?
IsDeceased: what is he doing?
IsDeceased: where is going?
IsDeceased: what affect do u have on him?
IsDeceased: y is he wearing those shoes?
IsDeceased: the world washes over my eyes and i want it to stop
IsDeceased: u'r children will do drugs and have sex
IsDeceased: maybe die young
IsDeceased: it's part of "growing up"
IsDeceased: losing innocence
IsDeceased: being mature
IsDeceased: tainted
IsDeceased: sometimes if u slip
IsDeceased: u will fall
IsDeceased: sometimes a little mistake is all it takes
IsDeceased: and nobody cares
IsDeceased: y do u think fight scenes r so entertaining?
Rockstarloser7: do you really want me to answer or are you being retorical lol
IsDeceased: go ahead
IsDeceased: i know y
IsDeceased: i'm pretty sure u know y too
Rockstarloser7: i'd like to hear your answer
IsDeceased: because it's entertaining
IsDeceased: u don't consider the fear and the pain and the struggle
IsDeceased: u jes' think, "heh, cool"
IsDeceased: until u'r in that situation
Rockstarloser7: this is true....but why do you think your a failure at life if you understand "don't judge unless your in anothers shoes"....people say it but most dont' understand it until way later in life
IsDeceased: i understand it now, i purposefully put myself in everyones shoes
IsDeceased: and it hurts
IsDeceased: and i hate people more
IsDeceased: i hate my surroundings
IsDeceased: and i love everyone
Rockstarloser7: it's part of growing up to have to deal with the large scheme of things.....your just maturing
Rockstarloser7: and it sucks...because life sucks thats that it just sucks but if you can find happiness in any aspect of what you do then consider yourself lucky
IsDeceased: tha's not what it is, this isn't new, nothing i've told u is new to me
IsDeceased: the only thing new is this dead and cold feeling inside, like somethings missing
IsDeceased: or something bads about to happen
IsDeceased: or nothing good can last
Rockstarloser7: thats life though it's full emptiness, feeling unfullfilled, thats what it is and it's not going to change
IsDeceased: but tha's not being human
IsDeceased: tha's being nothing
IsDeceased: i didn't struggle be like u people jes' to die inside
IsDeceased: i grew these emotions
IsDeceased: i watched u
IsDeceased: i learned
IsDeceased: to understand
IsDeceased: not to die
Rockstarloser7: when you say you...you mean people as a whole?
IsDeceased: yes
Rockstarloser7: then you know that we all are just as emotionally sick as you knowing that this is all life as to offer but we all put on a fake smiles and come into work the next day pretending like we can't hear our own mind speak
IsDeceased: this isn't life
IsDeceased: u aren't humans
IsDeceased: this is hell
IsDeceased: and we r all being punished
Rockstarloser7: life is hell...there is no real heave or hell there's just this and knowing that is hell
Rockstarloser7: *heaven
IsDeceased: no
IsDeceased: i was deceived
IsDeceased: there is something better than this
IsDeceased: but not here
Rockstarloser7: and what is that?
IsDeceased: something real
IsDeceased: "lie" is an ugly word
IsDeceased: but tha's all u can find here
IsDeceased: the truth is even worse

...

.....damnit, i've gone over this entry like 5 times and evrytime when i get to this point i lose my train of thought.

...i think it's this house.
i have to get away for a while.
clear my head.
find a balance.

i'll be back.

stay tuned, 'cause i don't know what's next...

dreams...

2004-08-28T08:14:05Z

ok
i had this dream a while back and jes' felt like writing about it...
i don't remember the 1st 2 parts.
something about a playboy magic show that went on too long, and something about giant cells coated in glass and an explosion.

but i remember the 3rd part.

i was sitting in the forest and i think i wa swatching t.v.
my dad showed up and i went to get a sub sandwhich.
a "T" shaped sub.
not "t" but a "T" shaped sub.
anyway...
my dad was drunk or something and he tried to help.
he's like, "here, put ketchup on it."
and i said, "no, i don't want ketchup on it."
and we fought over it for a while
finally he dumps ketchup all over the sub.
and i get pissed and am like, "fuck! here! u fuckin' eat it then!"
so i throw it at him
and he flips out
and he grabs a hammer and tries to kill me
he jes' get's this blank look and says, "come here, i'm gonna kill u with a hammer."
so i fight him for a while
and go on-line
and i forgot what i saw on-line
and i don't know what happened to my dad
...but tha's my dream.

i don't get it, but maybe someone else will.

oh well...

stay tuned for Marc (with a "c")

i love my friends...

2004-08-27T09:49:09Z

lol

i can't sleep, so i came downstairs to check Lj.
jes' felt like being nosey and delving into peoples minds a bit.
well, after reading every entry from a few of my friends journals something catches my eye on the desk.
someone wrote, "you can't just decide that i'm drunk."

lol
for some reason it jes' it me right.
it jes' seemed so damn funny to me.

i really do love all my friends.

stay tuned my friends...

hollow cookies...

2004-08-27T06:31:29Z

it's kinda funny...
whenever u experience some sort of huge emotional... thing, u never really remember the details, do u?

wether something setting u back or some sort of break through, once it's passed, u can never really remember the larger part of what happened. u jes' know that it happened.

i could help.
and i could die.
this was a trap.
all along.
and now u'll laugh at me.
but it's ok 'cause tha's the way it's always been.

i wasn't made for this world.

i could destroy.
but i'd feel bad about my actions.
but never have a second thought about doing wrong.
but it'd still be there.
waiting for me.
that feeling.

to be human.
to be something else, and to never go back.
i grew these emotions.
like trees.
or grass.
across a wild outback.
rolling fields of emotion.
filled with wierd little creatures that all seem to blend together.
fears. hopes. love. hate. sorrow.
like i am.
the creature that doesn't understand.
i copy everything i see
in hopes to find what's really inside of me

it's hard to be alone, especially with other people.

the world washes over itself
time and time again
like a never ending cycle

it's getting harder to put these into words....

stay tuned, for the world is waiting...

it's broken alright...

2004-08-23T01:23:29Z

so i figured it out.
i'm in a depression, and a pretty deep one at that. i don't think i even knew what depression was until now.
idk how this happened, but it seems i've lost my will to live. i know it's around here somewhere, so it's all good.

i guess this is my punishment. this is what i get for opening a pandora's box with out any second thought. but i'll get through this and i'll open it again.

u humans think u'r so sly with u'r emotions and mind games and stuff.
i still hate u all, and u'r not going to beat me so easily.
u almost fooled me.
this hurt so bad.
i died mentally. i kept thinking of all the worst things in the world, and so vividly.
i scared myself. i got so bad i couldn't involve myself with anything negative. i could only watch Kiki's Delivery Service, the Poke'mon movies, and listen to jazz.
i slept to keep the bad thoughts out, and sometimes that didn't work.
i worried so much and i felt so emotionally wrecked. i almost cried and broke down so many times over even the simplest things.
being so crippled mentally and emotionally made me physically sick. i had to take pepto-bismal jes' so i could get off the couch my stomache hurt so bad. any thought of doing drugs or if i got too warm made me wanna puke.

---------------------at this point i continued this entry--------

bleh, my mind is so scattered. even more so now.
anyway, this is something i'll get through.
something i'll survive.
this seems necassary.

this isn't over. i'm still in the depression, but i will get passed it.
i've lost my train of thought, but hopefully i got the jist of it out.

...stay tuned for a song.

i feel sick and scared...

2004-08-21T08:15:37Z

it's so hot
i feel so sick
i feel so scared
"nothings wrong but it's just not right"
i swear to god, somebody fucking help me.

stay tuned for a freezing winter

i broke something, or maybe it's trying to be fixed...

2004-08-20T07:25:05Z

lately i've been worrying.
idk y.
i worry, but lately i've been thinking and i'll break out of my train of thought in a cold sweat.
tonight didn't help matters...
my dad told me that he can't pay the bills. the cables off, tomorrow the power goes. soon after that will be the water and so on.
and the light at the end of the tunnel?
i'll be moving.
either to a trailor park with my drunk dad who can't pay the bills or to my moms apartment with her creepy boyfriend and her annoying little dog.

the only way to divert this disaster is if we can rent a room or both my dad and i work 2 jobs.

my conclusion: fuck this. i'm getting a job anyway and hopefully i'll stay here for a while until i can find a place of my own.

this is what i've been worrying about lately anyway. people and money and time.
i worry about being a lonely dopehead. no job. no money. body falling apart. drunk dad.
...it scares me, 'cause then i think of cory.
i don't want to end up like cory.
i also worry about my actions and the people around me and the world around me. i think about people and what they've done and what i've done.
people don't like me 'cause they think i'm a dopehead or a bad influence, when they've made jes' as many mistakes as i have, if not more, and they probably still do.
i also worry about my life and where and when it's going. i feel like my time is running out. i feel like i'm wasting my time. i feel like i'm trapped and i'm headed towards a dead end. tomorrows not jes' another day. tomorrows numbered.

i would say i'm crazy, and everyone else's paranoia is jes' rubbing off on me, or maybe that trip got way into my head and hit me personally, i should jes' let it go.
i would say that i should take matters into my own hands and do something about this.
i would say a lot of things. but that doesn't matter.

i'm afraid this feeling won't go away, atleast for a while.
everytime i say i'm going to do this or do that, i jes' end up screwing up or break things, and nothing gets done.

i worry about the world.
the world worries about me.
i wish i weren't part of the world.
i'm the last thing the world should be worried about.

stay tuned for barefeet and broken glass.

2stoned2tell @ 2004-08-18T06:09:00

2004-08-18T10:13:34Z

Primus - Duchess and the Proverbial Mind Spread

Burnin', I feel a burnin' in my stomach
I wanna know if I'm a gonna make it
If I don't just spread my ashes
If I do just spread you mind

Swimmin', I see myself a treadin' water
I see no signs of any other people
There's a heron up above me
I lay back and spread my mind

Duchess, she used to be a movie maker
She used to like to watch the boys watch her
And she saved enough money
To go to Cal and spread her mind

Billy used to follow the Dead with Arnie
And they made a hundred thousand dollars
But ended up in federal prison
Twenty years for spreading minds

bowled over...

2004-08-18T10:09:06Z

Primus - The Return of Satington Willoughby

Fellow colleagues, distinguished members of the press, ladies and gentlemen
I would like to take this opportunity to personally and humbly thank each and every one of you
For joining us at this particular event
It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds
To successfully convey the essence of our platform to you, a grand and noble audience

As I look out among the faces, I reflect
Taking console in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said,
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself"

Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add, the person standing next to you
May not be who they appear to be, so take precaution

A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true
Many a young person has fallen prey to the substances that alter the perspective
Of any right thinking individual
The problem with the youth today is, because of their inexperience with the world,
They cannot attempt to grasp the ideals set forth by myself and those who preceded me
But, as history has show, they will come around and embrace our philosophies
And become model citizens in their own right, God Bless this great nation